Where Have I Been?
So as you all may have noticed, I've been MIA the last couple months. With my move and many new changes in my life, I decided to step back from promoting and posting to take more time to focus myself, my personal growth, and as well as, on the dynamics I had already established.
During this time, I starting realizing that I had lost a certain... spark for, not kink itself, but the scenes I had been doing the last year because I wanted to keep my umbrella wide and my books full. Because of that, I lost interest almost entirely outside of the settled, longer-term dynamics I had, because those were the one's where not only, had I come to love the scenes I created with them, but they allowed me to play with those kinks that truly gave me joy. It was not until recently that I had a couple scenes where I was able to truly jump into this, not uncharted, but, rather so... dusty kink and field of desires and needs, after these scenes, instead of having this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, guilt, sometimes disappointment, I was having feeling of elation, joy, peacefulness, success. That was it, the click, the moment of clarity.
Now, I get it, that was a lot of vague language, but here we are now. I've been gone, truly for months, and I had that time to study my craft, look into what I want, and grow as a Dominant. And I have found the main component of my pleasure; sadism. Okay, yes, obviously, duh, but if you've been around, you know that I wanted to hold dominance in a different light, I wanted to be the gentle, and stern hand, I wanted to be the Mommy I knew others needed, and in that I lost my pleasure.
As a lot of us know, age-play and the dynamics that go along with, tend to be, for lack of a better word at the moment, energy-excessive, it's mentally taxing. And I found, in my experience with professional dynamics, it's not only hard to keep up with the constant requirements that a little sub may need (let alone multiple), but also sub's who find these dynamics to be easily tossed aside take a toll on my mental. It sounds silly, but even professionally, I've taken my dynamics incredibly serious, I like to see my sub's, especially my littles as pieces of my life, friends I grow to care for immensely, and frequently, with the client/sub mentality in some individuals I see, they are easily able to drop what we have built together quicker than I am. Now I know this isn't bad on me, this doesn't mean I need to change or fix myself, it just means that the age-play MD/l dynamics I take on will now be in my private life, in my kink life outside of what I offer in service. I unfortunately will no longer be seeing Littles/age-players or offering Mommy-kink scenes in any professional capacity. This does not mean that I will not personally/privately build dynamics with Littles that I have grow to admire, because at my core, I do love the kink and I love who I am when I am a Mommy. (Yes this means you will still be getting Mommy related posts and stories, I will still accept Mommy as an honorific and content with K, because he will always be my little guy).
So I've taken half my identity away, now what am I left with? That's been my internal struggle thus far. And what had filled the space, is brutality, fear, and pain. I've found my soul being properly fed in scenes where I can display my complete power, my full strength. In these months I've grown in my skills with impact, allowing myself to put more into my lashes without debilitating fear and guilt; I've had the chance to convey fear into my sub's, watching their every fiber shake in their body without even laying a hand on their skin; I've heard how sweet it sounds to hears someone begging for you to return, pleading for me to release them from their cage after being left alone to their own vile thoughts for hours on in; I got to taste the mix of pain and pleasure in tears of those who's skin will forever have a memories of my dominance branded into it; I've found my joy in the dark. I no longer am focused on the innocence of pure pleasure, but focused on the exquisitely twisted cocktail that is Sadistic/Masochistic bliss.
Scenes that will be in priority:
Fear-Based (indoor or outdoor)
Knife Play
Brutual Impact
Breath Play
Extreme Edging
Pegging/Fisting
Mummification
Abandonment
Long-Term Bondage
Needle Play
Golden Showers
CBT
Trampling
Of course, I will be offering other kinks as well, but this list is the kink that will be getting priority scheduling from now on. These are scenes that I've found I have excelled at, as we as given me and my sub's the most beneficial times together.
Fetish is ever changing, everyone's needs and desires are constantly shifting from what they once knew, and now, mine as shifted once again. While I know these changes will cause some loss, I also see this change bringing even more potential from growth and enlightenment in my future and I'm so exited to see what's ahead.
Thank you to those who continue to follow and support my ever-changing distend into madness!
